Crisp Conspiracy | 2227

Just as everyone at home with their cups of tea is thinking that Real McCoyโ€™s aren’t as good as they used to be. BAM you get a new batch….

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Permanently moved is a personal podcast 301 seconds in length, written and recorded by @thejaymo

Crisp Conspiracy

I was going to talk about the news. But โ€ฆ I just couldnโ€™t bring myself to do it. Maybe Iโ€™ll talk about it next week.

Itโ€™s also been all worlds all the time around here recently, and I fancied a break. Welcome to my new subscribers by the way. Especially those who have joined as paid subscribers at Zine 003 is going out next month.

Since this is a personal podcast and not a metaverse podcast – despite its URL. I want to talk about something that’s been top of my mind for the last few weeks.

Iโ€™m convinced that there’s a Crisp Conspiracy going on.

To back up a little. Since the start of the pandemic, every week Eve and I have been buying a multipack of crisps. We share it and eat 3 packets each.

As with any relationship, this weekly food purchase was one subject to compromise. I like crisp flavours that Eve doesnโ€™t. Due to my personality. I enjoy eating the same thing for weeks, months, perhaps years on end. (Eve however, enjoys things like variety and spontaneity). So after rounds of negotiation, we have settled on a band and a flavour.

The Real McCoyโ€™s Ridge Cut Salt and Malt Vinegar Flavour Potato Crisps. 

Here’s their marketing copy:

Everything McCoyโ€™s creates is fully loaded with flavour. We go the extra mile to make the most irresistible tasting snacks you will EVER try; ensuring every bite is packed full of extra punch, lashing of pizzazz and the McCoyโ€™s unmistakable “WOW-factor”.

I call bullshit.

Iโ€™ve eaten packets of Salt and Malt Vinegar McCoyโ€™s now week after week for nearly 2 years.

I say nearly 2 years because on the 28th of January of this year, the McCoyโ€™s factory in Teesside, owned by parent company KP Snacks was the victim of a massive cyber attack. Described in the press as a “ransomware incident”. The attack caused significant disruption to both manufacturing and shipping processes. Resulting in brands made in the same factory like; Hula Hoops, Nik Naks, Butterkist Popcorn, Choc Dips, and my beloved McCoys being unavailable on supermarket shelves for quite some time.

As you can imagine, the cyber attack and subsequent crisp drought was a source of great sadness in both my personal life, and household.

Anyways I’m calling bullshit on McCoy’s marketing. Not every bite IS packed full of so-called wow factor. Let me explain:

Sometimes youโ€™ll buy a multipack and the product will taste absolutely amazing

From the very first satisfying crunch, youโ€™re hit with the mouth watering tartness of the malty vinegar. Itโ€™ll zing across your tastebuds instantly, resulting in a gush of saliva. Then almost as quickly as that first zing arrived itโ€™s replaced and balanced, by its saltiness (a bit like my personality). Every bite of every crisp will be a complete and self contained flavour journey.

This is experiencing Real McCoyโ€™s at their best. Truly delivering the punch, pizzaz and wow-factor in the marketing claims. 

Youโ€™ll buy a multipack of crisps like this and every single bite will deliver a consistent experience. You’ll think to yourself โ€˜MMMMm these crips are deliciousโ€™. I have been known to say this out loud between my munching as an observation. Eve will of course agree – because in this house there is a crisp tax.

Two individual crips must be shared or provided to each other whenever a packet of crisps is opened.

But here’s the thing.

From week to week, not every packet will actually consistently deliver such an exceptional flavour journey. More often than not, they are just โ€ฆ. ok. Salty and Vinegary. Sometimes they will be really below par – just a gesture towards favour. Barely a hit of wow-factor at all. Instead, you only the taste of the medium – Oily fried potato. Which obviously has its own merits, but youโ€™re left searching for the missing flavour at the bottom of the empty packet. Which obviously isn’t why you buy the product.

Image of an evil capitalist crisp villain as imagined by

Therefore, I am convinced that the McCoyโ€™s factory will go through a period of manufacturing extra delicious crips. Then, a grinning man in a top hat, twiddling his moustache will reduce the amount of flavourings in the product. Making them more and more mediocre over time. A run of X million underwhelming bags of crisps. 

Then, just as everyone at home with their cups of tea is thinking that McCoyโ€™s aren’t as good as they used to be. BAM you get a new batch, the wow-factors back. Reminded why you picked the product off the shelf in the first place. 

So fine you think. You’ll buy them again next week. But they’re already back to being mediocre once again.

Listen, I know thereโ€™s a lot going on in the world right now. Things are pretty terrible.

But I’m convinced that this is a flavour scam of the highest order. Mr Moustache is ruining my crips to save a couple of quid on ingredients. I want my snack experience to be the same from week to week. 

If it was up to me, left to my own devices I’d just eat ready salted crisps forever and ever. You can’t go wrong with salted and fried potato. But, I’m told; eating a consistent high quality salted potato crisp that delivers week after week is too boring (like my personality).

Anyways, hereโ€™s the thing. Iโ€™d rather have a boring crisp that hits every time, than a brand that claims a wow-factor and then rugs me on flavour. It’s just not on.

It’s a crisp conspiracy.


The script above is the original script written for the episode. It may differ from what ended up in the edit.

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